The last time we were here, I talked about:
- Punk Rock Mindfulness
- 9 reasons why you should make a g-d to-do list
- Star Signs
- We should not give a fuck on what others think (yet we do)
- Failing and failing spectacularly
- Moon of my life, my sun and stars
A number of things have happened since the last time I wrote, namely, I got a full-time job working for a local large company. The work varied from disturbingly tedious to engaging and interesting. It was a six-month contract and it ended on 12/28/2018. I’ve been spending the last week bingeing on food and feeling generally sorry for myself. I knew the end was neigh, and hope for renewal was non-existent, but I couldn’t stop feeling utterly dejected and worthless when the job ended. Truthfully, it wasn’t just the last week I was bingeing but since around Thanksgiving. I got on the scale this morning and saw numbers that frightened me. I was one pound shy of my highest recorded weight. I’ve been changing out non-emergency doctor appoints to weeks in the future because I didn’t want to be fat shamed. My therapists have been encouraging me to join a 12 step program of some kind and my latest therapist has been nudging me to join OA. I bought the book and I’m going to start going to meetings next week.
During the last six months, I’ve been heavily invested in daily conversations with one of my best friends as she’s struggling with the same ideas of self and bingeing not only on food but also our brains. I’ve been channeling it with her rather than here because there is a huge sense of shame about my life right now. It’s a matter of control and thinking I have control over things that are out of my purview.
So, I read the above posts before I started writing here because I wanted to get an idea of where I’m at and what I want to be. I wrote in my newsletter yesterday on breaking down the large goals (lose 100lbs; sell 12 essays; run a 5K) into smaller manageable goals. Things that are attainable and within reach. I cannot run a 5K right now but I can sure walk 5K steps a day. Then it’ll be 7500, then 10K and soon, then I can run and not long after, run that 5K. There is no time limit on when these things need to be done. The stress of taking it down to baby steps is such a huge departure from before that I feel relieved that I took myself off a time scale.
So you, you are amazing. I know right now that for many of you, everything feels bleak, depressing, and unattainable. I can do this and you can do this. I know you can. I’m watching two amazing women in my life starting out towards their goals in baby steps. I know it’s hard for them, they falter, but they keep going. It feels right for them, these paths they are choosing. They inspire me to see real people I know who are overcoming the stupidity of their own brains and are able to make those changes. These things do not happen overnight, they take time and patience. Don’t give up. You’re not perfect and you’re going to stumble. You will probably change tactics and paths. There is no “right way” to do things. You may find inspiration from me, pity quotes, or other people, and even within yourself.
You are amazing. You can do whatever you want. I believe in you.